Ok, sorry for using this terminology. I kind of hate ”Can we normalize” social media posts, but in this case, I kind of agree with this phrase.
I’ve been judged several times for letting my baby nap on me and/or for bedsharing, ‘’Your baby needs to sleep in her own space’’ ‘’But what about separation?’’ ‘’Wow, no way that’s not possible!’’ and other looks that said more than words…
The problem is that all their criticism, snarking remarks, and condescending judgment are based on disconnection and separation, even when they come from a good place.
One of the best advice I’ve received in my life was to be careful who you take advice from’’, and all the people who have made these comments have issues in their relationship with their children now that they are adults. This is not what I want for my child.
One gift that motherhood has brought to my life is intuition. During my twenties, I was so disconnected from myself that I couldn’t hear that little voice in my heart. All I heard was my mind trying to deal with people’s judgments and societal pressures. However, when I had my baby, I just leaned into my instincts and I am so glad I did. It doesn’t mean it’s not hard sometimes. Yes, sometimes, I would like to put my baby down and go work out in the living room or do my hair or whatever but overall, I loved these moments that I know are not forever. I love hearing my baby breathe and knowing she is ok. I love that the first thing she sees when she wakes up is me smiling at her. I love that she doesn’t cry and that sleep is not associated with anything but comfort, love, and peace. I love that she knows how to depend on me and isn’t building independence too soon. I know about being independent as a child and let me tell you, it’s not all that! A child should need their mom and should know she’ll be there. I know I wish I had known I could rely on my mom for anything. Any normal child will want to explore the world and gain more autonomy with time but I don’t see the point in rushing that right after coming out of the freaking womb.
And you know what? It’s important for mommy too. I see so much shaming towards moms who breastfeed for a long time or bedshare or contact nap: ‘’You’re only doing it for yourself’’ … Well, not only for myself but a little yes. And what’s wrong with doing something for yourself again? What’s wrong with wanting a strong bond with your child? What’s wrong with wanting to be close to them? Does it make you uncomfortable to realize this may be something you have missed out on and would rather criticize someone for doing it than actually admit that you wish you were that close with your mom or child?
Whenever you feel shamed by people’s remarks, remember that these same people won’t be there if/when you develop PPD because you feel disconnected and purposeless. Being so close to my baby has helped tremendously I’m sure of that. I live with my husband overseas. We have no family and very early friendships that couldn’t bear the weight long-lasting friendship could. We have nothing left waiting for us in our home country and we have bet everything on another place where we have no strings and aren’t even sure we will be allowed to stay. There are so many reasons for me to be depressed if you listen to the ”experts”, especially since I have a history of depression. And yet, here I am. The happiest I have ever been.
Our bodies are made so beautifully that oxytocin is released when you touch your baby, especially during breastfeeding. Oxytocin counteracts cortisol which is considered a biological risk factor for depression (https://www.nature.com/articles/srep30187). ”It appears that oxytocin is pivotal in creating a cohesive parent-infant bond that stems from the soothing and comforting interactions infants experience during their early life care. This has helped inform the concept that parent-infant contact is critical for establishing affiliative bonds” (Scatliffe, N., Casavant, S., Vittner, D., & Cong, X. (2019). Oxytocin and early parent-infant interactions: A systematic review. International Journal of Nursing Sciences, 6(4), 445. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijnss.2019.09.009). In the case of babies, I believe more is more.
So many parents will comment ”I am so much happier now that I sleep-trained my baby and it’s better for my baby to have a happy mom” I agree with the last part but why do we have to sacrifice our babies’ well-being for that? Before you come at me with the ”science”, please think for yourself for a second and tell me how you would feel if you cried to sleep every night this week. You won’t die from it, you still can have beautiful days full of laughter and say you’re fine when someone asks you but you know something is not right. Now imagine your husband or friend hears you from the living room and they come and just pat your back and then leave…or worse, they never come. Now imagine that for a baby who is so much more fragile than you. I don’t need ”scientific research” to tell me what I already feel in my gut. I would rather stay with my baby and nothing will change my mind.